A fickle hope

Allah says he made humans as the best of His creation. I am forced to look around at all His creations, and if I am utterly honest, I feel the weakest among them all. Perhaps because we have the ability to feel and they don’t. Sometimes I wish I could be like that too, to not feel, just not gather up everything inside me that goes slightly inconveniently or unexpected around me. Those are moments of extreme misery and helplessness, always blown away by forgetfulness or rather, forced forgetfulness, because otherwise I cry in prayer, with all my pride or vanity slashed aside, that God doesn’t make me one of the hard hearted humans. And that’s just a very small example of how divided I am in most things, and it’s extremely killing, to suffer and wallow in this state of helplessness, no idea which choice I want to make or which is the one I should be making? and, perhaps, thats the reason why I have always seemed to leave loose ends through all my life, whether it be an unresolved conflict with another person or an unresolved conflict in my head, I have always left it to the hands of fate, not because I have this deep requited faith that fate will do its job rightly or because I am a procrastinator who likes to leave things for later but because the idea of standing against my problems has always scared me. The idea of not being strong enough or wise enough to handle the situation at that very moment has always kept me back. And if we are that weak, I wonder why ALLAH called us His best of creation? Maybe because much of the qualities that are considered best aren’t the actual definition of being the best? Maybe because growing and living through each day, fighting for ourselves, fighting our own self, is what being best all about. Maybe the journey, the obstacles we overcome, the wars we fight, the struggles we carry, that faintest effort inside us to keep going despite everything, to reach that best version of ourselves - what we feel could be the best - to carry a hope so fickle, is what it’s all about.