Grant me peace

Why do we only turn to you in need? Humans and our selfish nature. But you put that longing in us, didn’t you? You designed us in a way that we begin by longing, to eventually fail in fulfilling it, followed by losing our way and hitting our lowest, then forced to wander in search and eventually finding it, if we are lucky enough. But what are we looking for exactly? On a mellow march morning, I find myself in the midst of your humble abode. An unsettling event has brought me here, but you already know that. Do you see me? I know you see me. I am not sure how to begin but, standing here, I just have a simple question and I am looking for a simple answer.

Where do I find peace? Or more importantly, how do I find peace?

I am not sure peace is what I need, among the list of all the other things, but I’m led to believe this is it, so I find myself searching for it in the softness of the fajr azaan as it reaches my ears in the absolute silence of the morning, and I can swear I feel it. but I am still unsure. The unsettling feeling still resides inside me, overtaking my heart, mind and body. So I turn towards your beautiful creations, the sky as it gorgeously changes its colors right before the majestic sunrise, the absolute signs of your Beauty, and I swear I feel it, but only loosing it to the overwhelming sensation that follows it and I am forced to look away before I am unable to take it in. So I look towards the blessings you have bestowed upon me, the countless blessings. But I am still lost. I am not sure exactly where to look, so in my helplessness, I inevitably hit lowest, deepest pits of ocean. Days and weeks or maybe months that are spent there, in that feeble state, help me realize what I was meant to all along, what you wanted me to realize: your greatest gift, dua.

The most beautiful gift that you gave us humans is dua, the power of which stands in its ability to alter and rewrite our fate. Everything is in dua! Oh, how could I forget? And so, I find myself slowly spreading the prayer mat on my cold bedroom floor, bending my weak limbs and my entire being, my damaged heart and pained soul, to make dua, or a plea of hope which might shake the doors of the Divine and peace is granted to me at last, and it’s as if the mountains are lifted from my shoulders and the anchor is pulled up from my heart and the air around me suddenly becomes lighter and breathable; the storm inside me finally comes to a halt and calms itself, and it’s almost as if you make me alive again. You. So that I can finally manage to say that I am ready. I am ready to fall on my knees for you. I am ready to follow the path you have asked of me. I am ready to give up all the meaningless possessions in life for you. I am ready to make my life worthy of your Love and Attention, asking you to look at me once. Maybe I am not ready for all of it yet. But I am still standing here at your door, asking you to look at me once, which is big enough a milestone for me, to be standing in front of you with no disguise or secrets, for you to grant me peace, because who would know better than you, it’s what im looking for. It’s all I want.